The sexual confidence tightrope.

I am not sexually confident. Not even remotely.

Over the years of grappling with this I’ve come up with a handy metaphor: the sexual confidence tightrope. Picture the scene: I am slowly and carefully walking along a tightrope, gripping hard onto my balance beam and trying not to look down. It’s a long drop and I’m high up, so it’s windy. It takes a lot of concentration to walk along the tightrope. Sometimes I can feel more comfortable and move along it at a medium pace. I smile, perhaps this is it! I’ve got it! I’m finally sexually confident!

And then, a gust of wind. I wobble, try desperately to keep my balance but…too late. I fall off into the pit of No Sexual Confidence. How long I stay down there varies, but eventually I brush myself down and begin the long slow climb back up to the tightrope and start again, hoping that one day it’ll come easy.

In my darkest moments I look around and feel as though I’m the only person on such a tightrope. Surrounded by confident sexual explorers: never scared or nervous, never dysfunctional, never feeling stupid or awkward.

My perception is probably inaccurate. But that doesn’t stop it hurting, and making me feel worse.

Things fall apart

2013 didn’t start well. The triad of awesomeness collapsed in a painful and spectacular fashion to be expected of three people breaking up. It hadn’t felt right to any of us for a while. I got out first. 

I’m still with my live-in partner. We’re still healing. I’m pretty much there but he’s still angry. 

It’s funny how after you’ve left someone you see the problems and the warning signs with more clarity. You wonder why you put up with the bullshit for so long. You start seeing the wood for the trees. 

So now I have two male partners and one interested (male) party. The only constant is change.

My poly glossary aka screw alphabetizing

Polyamory has a lot of vocabulary attached to it. Here’s my tongue-in-cheek guide.

 

Poly - my shorthand for polyamory/non-monogamy/open relationships

Mono/monotype - people who are steadfastly monogamous

Polycurious - people who are just checking out polyamory, or are curious about it

The Bible aka The Poly Bible - The Ethical Slut, pretty much the key text for poly people. Everyone has read it.

Triad - three poly types who are all in a relationship together. Imagine a sexy triangle.

Quad - Same as a triad but with 4 people involved

Vee - a relationship involving three people where the person at the tip of the V (the hinge/pivot) sees two other people (the arms of the V) who do not see one another. E.g., a man involved with two women who do not date one another.

Trad poly (my definition) – people who are very clear on the distinction between polyamory (good) and non-monogamy (bad). Tend to be named Silvercraft Moonwolf and live in a yurt. Often in the US and often, but not always, over 40.

New poly (my definition) – the new generation of people exploring non-monogamy. Tend to not get too fussed with labels so can be found defining themselves as non-monogamous, poly, open or (sometimes) swinging. Maintain the core values of polyamory but are a bit more chilled about the whole thing. Internet-enabled, sexy, cultured and often very smart.

Primary - the core / more prioritised relationship in a hierarchical poly set-up.

Secondary - relationships additional to the primary relationship

FWB - Friends With Benefits AKA fuckbuddies. Friends who fuck occasionally. A mono-poly set-up that is often successful.

Cowboy/cowgirl - monotype who tries to steal poly people and trap them in a mono set-up (derives from the image of cowboys lassoing cows and taking them away from their herd)

Fluid bonding - when two or more partners have sex without protection. Often primary partners are fluid bonded but they use protection for their other relationships.

Polysaturated -  when you are saturated with partners and it’s starting to get stressful.

Sordid sex festival - a derogatory comment describing polyamory in this Guardian article that I have adopted

Keep calm and don’t fall into the trap of writing pithy post titles

Well, my time management plan worked. I no longer feel as though all I do is work, eat and stare at my diary with dread sitting heavy in my stomach.  The poly part of my life is settling down as my two new relationships are becoming more secure. They still need care and attention but, to continue with my well-worn plants-as-relationships analogy, they’ve hardened off from tender seedlings into more robust specimens.

What I have found difficult is adjusting to the natural ebb and flow of each of my three core relationships. I knew not to expect them all to progress and grow at the same speed, or even grow into the same kinds of relationship, but it can be unsettling when you’re in the situation; in the quest to be balanced and fair it’s very easy to compare one relationship to another.

Luckily it’s pretty easy to deal with (once you’ve stop blindly panicking and convincing yourself that your relationships are failing) : just stand back and view each relationship separately. It’s possible that the stress you’re feeling about the progress your relationships are making could signal an issue in one of them: maybe there’s something you need to talk about, or your feelings have become much stronger than you expected and it’s scaring you. Or, you’re getting stressed because embarking on and nurturing more than one relationship at a time is hard work. Once you’ve worked out what’s causing the worry you can deal with it accordingly. Or panic some more, which is what I do.

I have a problem with telling people things I think they’ll dislike. Left to my own devices I actively avoid it. What I’ve learnt from the time management issue is that telling partners how busy you are and why it’s stressing you out does not lead to disaster. Everyone has been supportive and patient, learning to schedule time in with me when they see me. Seeing as polyamory is basically one big Opportunity For Personal Growth (both the good bits and the shit bits) these positive reactions to my self-proclaimed Bad News means I feel more able to tell people what I fear they will not want to hear.

I know. It’s sickening.

By way of consolation I’m still crap at communicating and expressing my needs. It’s not all fuzzy wuzzy self improvement round here you know.

Love is a four letter word

(Yes, I tried to write about love and no, I’ve not done it any justice. Who knew writing about an emotion humanity has tried to capture in art for 1000s of years would be so hard?)

Love is the heaviest word in the English language. It has no equal, no synonym that carries its importance. Everyone is scared of it. It sits in your mouth like a lead weight. Terrified to spit it out you hold it in your mouth, fearful of dropping it onto your relationship and smashing it into tiny painful pieces.

We are all so scared of this word. And yet it represents an emotion so vital and so wonderful.

Why are we scared of saying it? Why are we so terrified of telling someone that we love them?

I say ‘we’ because I’m terrified too. I feel that by saying it, by saying “I love you”, I am placing a monumentally heavy weight onto a relationship and that the relationship simply will not be able to sustain that weight. I can feel it hanging heavy in the air, with both parties aware of it but ignoring it, carrying on as normal as if it weren’t there, terrified.

But why does it scare us? If one feels love surely saying it or not saying it makes no difference to the emotion – it still exists. Whether you say it to the person in front of you or not the feeling is still there. But you don’t say it, because you’re scared. Scrap that, you’re fucking terrified. And it wants to come out. Love tries to force itself out of your mouth. You try its substitutes but it’s still there, pressing on your tongue, affecting your speech. You have to say it, you’re compelled by an uncontrollable drive to say it. But what happens when you do? What if who you say it to doesn’t love you back? So you don’t say it. And it still wants to come out. It still feels like a heavy stone in your mouth, getting in the way of your speech, and you want so desperately to spit it out, to share it, to be free of the weight. But you’re scared. So you keep your mouth shut.

Until you say it.

Time management: not waving but drowning

I knew it would happen. So often, so so often poly literature, advice and the general rules of sanity advise against starting more than one new relationship at a time. See ‘kid in a candy store’ info here (Section 3 of Practical Polyamory).

I have reached polysaturation (via Modern Poly).

As well as my main partner, my other male partner and the triad of awesomeness I am also seeing two other women – one of whom is introducing me to her male primary this week as she thinks we’ll hit it off. I know. I am INSANE.

I did not want it to be this way but I’ve made my sordid sex festival bed (tent? yurt?) and now I’ve got to fuck/sleep on it/in it. I didn’t seek out to accrue as many partners as possible, it just sort of happened. And now they’re here, in my life, and I like them and I don’t want to not see people simply because I don’t have time. That seems cruel and unnecessary to me.

I am also aware that my main relationships, the three most important to me, need time and care and attention (not to mention that I want to see these people A Whole Lot) and I’d kick myself if I neglected them. And the newer people and I need time and space and effort to get to get to know one another. And I only have so much free time. And money. On average I work a 50 hour week and I don’t earn a huge amount, so I have to ration money spent on travelling to see people/eating out/visiting galleries etc too. It feels like such an impossible situation to manage.

On top of that, as several people have mentioned, I need some damn me-time or my head truly will explode. 20 mins after a 12 hour work day or a nap on a train doesn’t count. True to form I didn’t even consider me-time, because I am an idiot. Also, I’m crap at self-care.

So, my current solution: I don’t want to lose anyone so I’m going to try being organised. More organised than normal. Super organised. I’m going to prioritise my three main relationships, see them most frequently and see my other dates when time and scheduling allows. I’ll be open to everyone about my scheduling issues and make sure they know where they stand. And if this doesn’t work I’ll build a time machine.

Bank Holiday Weekend with the Triad Of Awesomeness

This Easter Bank Holiday the stars (and calendars) aligned. From Saturday afternoon until Monday evening the Triad of Awesomeness were together, in this house, as a three. And if your mind is instantly filled with depraved erotic acts, sweaty bodies performing obscene movements, or my new favourite phrase ‘a sordid sex festival’ then, well…

you’d be wrong.

No sex, no sordid activities. We talked, we watched films, we ate lots of good food, drank a lot of tea and cuddled and cuddled and cuddled. We’d agreed beforehand that as none of us felt that comfortable with being sexual yet, if at all (see Rule 4 in my Triad of Awesomeness guidelines), that we would keep all physical touching to cuddling and some kissing. We checked in regularly and everyone was very careful and took it slowly. All three of us slept together both nights and spent hours in bed in the morning cuddling, kissing, chatting and giggling with delight. It was so lovely and incident-free it feels like it was a wonderful dream. Reading it back it all seems so desperately smug and vomit-inducing for a cold-hearted bitter soul such as myself.

However, before you leave this post to bring up your most recent meal, the important bit: why did it work so well?

Well, we were all very careful. The benefit of all three of us seeing each other as couples means we’re very attuned to one another’s feelings, and we care about one another. Affection wasn’t smothering, we had lots of non-sexual affectionate touching and shared out the affection if not equally (I don’t need or like too much physical contact, I like my own space too) then fairly among those who wanted it. We followed our guidelines and cared about one another.

I hope this is a solid foundation for whatever is ahead of us. I’m off to beam smugly for the next few days.

My problem with threesomes

EDIT: This is a really, really subjective post. This is my personal issue with threesomes and not intended as an objective analysis.

As a bisexual woman I have been subject to several threesome offers and they usually follow one of two scenarios:

1. So, you’re bi and poly. Want to have sex with me and my partner who you’ve never met before?

2. You’re seeing a woman? Can I have a threesome with you two? 

I am not against threesomes per se; indeed in my recently-found Triad Of Awesomeness it’s looking to be on the cards in the near future* and could even become a regular sexual activity. What I have a problem with is the assumptions being made here.

Scenario 1 is stressful and annoying because of the presumption and expectation bound up within it. A situation I am currently faced with is that a woman I am seeing wishes me to meet her male partner (which I want to do, as he sounds awesome) but before I’ve even met him they’ve brought up the possibility of a threesome. What I find stressful is the assumption that I’ll fancy him and that I’ll want to have sex with them simultaneously. What if I don’t? As there is no Poly Debretts to ensure I nagivate this situation gracefully and without stepping on any toes I have no idea how to handle it. How do you explain that you’re not interested in someone’s partner? Will it affect your relationship with them? Will they be grown ups and take it on the chin? If I do like their partner and start seeing them will the expectation of a threesome hang over our heads? What if we have a threesome and it ends up being weird and awkward? It’s all too complicated.

Scenario 2 is most often heard from male hetero sexual partners. Even if well intentioned (although one previous partner brought it up almost constantly, a source of great irritation) it immediately gets my back up. I feel it presumes that both I and my female partner would be interested in them and I feel it reduces our lesbian sexuality to something hetero men consume. Now it is very possible that my male partners do not see it this way – I imagine for them it’s a fun, sexy idea and I imagine a fair amount of it is on many of their sexual wishlists. MFF sex is seen socially as an achievement, as something really sexy, as an opportunity not to be missed and something to brag about. However, I see it as a reductive view of the physical and emotional connection that I have with my female partners. I feel that it takes all the connection, sexiness, fun and intimacy out of our sex life and makes it a form of entertainment for hetero guys.

I don’t want the private, intimate sex I have with my female partners to become part of someone’s inner masturbatory sex tape. In my head this attitude of “ooh! Two women having sex! I want a go!” reeks far too strongly of male privilege, a reductionist attitude to lesbian sex and cheesy porno fantasies where the priapic man comes in to a female sex scene to make it ‘proper sex’. It makes me uncomfortable and almost protective over the sex I have with female partners – as if I have to shield it from prying priapic penises trying to muscle in on my sex life. (I’m exaggerating for effect here, but you get the idea.)

I think what I find difficult about MFF threesome proposals is that there are so many assumptions and socialised value judgements made about them that I rarely feel that I can approach them on level footing. Part of what makes me feel so safe about poly sex and relationships is the open discussion and negotiation in lieu of dating rules and expectations. In my head threesomes are so bound up in mono-world expectations that I find them difficult to negotiate. The icing on the cake of this difficulty is that I can find sex (especially with new partners) scary and confrontational, especially if I’m in a down period. Adding another person and a whole load of excitement and build up would just make my head explode.

Subjective? Of course, but hey, I didn’t title the post My issues with threesomes for nothing.

*We’ve been working out the rules/logistics on this which can be found outlined here

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s the Triad Of Awesomeness!

So, we seem to have found a unicorn. We weren’t hunting for one but we seem to have stumbled over one. She’s wonderful.

Anyway, we’d not really thought about life as a triad before – never thinking we’d find a third nor trying to look – so we’re having to jump in the deep end and quickly learn how to swim. As part of our discussions we’ve decided the following:

1. Build the new separate relationships first. This means spending time as couples getting to know one another, being intimate, having fun, etc.

2. Each relationship is private and different. Minimal information should be shared between the three people involved – each pairing has it’s own secrets, intimacies and in-jokes. Nobody should feel as though the other two are talking about them.

3. Allow the relationships to grow naturally. I liken relationships to plants: there are many different kinds and they all grow in different ways. You need to give them the care and time they need to grow into strong, healthy relationships. Trying to move them into a new situation too soon, overwatering or neglecting them will not do them any good and each plant/relationship has its own needs.

4. If (and it is definitely an if, no obligations or expectations) all three parties wish to do something sexual it must be with no coercion or feeling of duty on their part. Nothing will happen without all three people’s consent.

5. Even if we do start seeing each other officially as a triad, each relationship will still need to be nurtured. There are essentially 4 relationships going on here – A+B, B+C, A+C, A+B+C and all of them need care and attention.

I’m sure we’ll mess up along the way, we’re human after all, but outlining these ideas as rules to live by made sense to us.

Feeling more like me

There’s been some strangeness occurring these past few weeks. Both my main partner and I have become very busy. All of a sudden there are lots of people around and I’m getting texts all day and everyone is excited and keen to see me and cute girls fancy me and OMG OMG OMG OMG.

Over the last day, after a phone conversation with a partner who gently and patiently talked me down from an angry, impotent work-based rant, I’ve realised what’s been freaking me out so much about this sudden influx of wonderful, caring people into my life: it’s challenging my long-held assumption that I am unlovable. Having several partners care about me, want to spend time with me and say lovely things about me is forcing me to challenge that assumption, and it is this challenging that was freaking me out. Now I’ve identified it I feel better; indeed I feel excited and happy. Without meaning to sound like a chakra-obssessed idiot who knits their own Dreamcatchers, I feel like my heart is finally fully blossoming. The walls of defense around me and my emotions are slowly coming down.

And it’s wonderful